SahLence Punk!

It’s been a while since my last entry. I don’t even recall what it was about, but I’m here anyway to carry on the torch. Lol

I moved back to New York. By far the best choice of my life thus far. But I realized that while I had an idea when I came here, I didn’t quite have a PLAN. I didn’t set any deadlines. I didn’t give myself any dates, and I realized how very important that is. I have no idea how I’m going to make a recurring income, and I have so much pressure on me to “Find a Job!” because that’s what adults do. They find jobs, they pay bills, and they live monotonous, complaint-laden lives. I’m petrified of that. I DO NOT WANT THAT. And I know we should never focus on what we don’t want, and only on what we do if we are ever to have it, but it’s difficult to do that when “reality” is looming over your shoulder, chastising you for being a “destitute dreamer”.

So how am I going to make money off of my music and my voice in The Big Apple? I honestly have no clue where to start. And that’s because I have yet to take care to make a REAL plan with solid dates, courses of action and deadlines. But that’s also because I have no clue where to start from. I have no idea who to ask… 

But I have realized that planning is so essential! I recently joined Journey (a non-denominational church here in the city that is very similar to Bridgeway in MD) and it has been a beacon of positivity thus far. I realized that I NEED a church family to thrive, or at least a gathering of spiritual people around me, and since I left Baltimore, I haven’t really had that. I would love to spend every single day with my girl C, but that’s not possible, so I had to find ways to grow spiritually on my own. I remember the other day that our pastor said “A goal without a date is just a dream”. If nothing in his sermon jumped out at me, that did.

And last night, I was watching 666 Park Avenue, and I realized that several of the people on that show submitted to what they felt was a higher power to make their greatest ambitions become realized. I watched how easily these characters submitted to Satan during their most desperate times, and in watching that, I realized how much more subservient I need to be to God. I need grace. I need abundance. These are things I need. I serve an awesome God who is totally able to offer all these things to me, and has given these things to me, but in turn, I need to give MORE to Him.

I need to pray more. I need be punctual. I need to meditate more. I need to do things on deadlines. I need to plan more. I need to keep my word more. I need to focus MORE. Otherwise, I’m gonna end up just like everybody else out there with a dollar and a dream; disappointed and broke. 

Perhaps, I should simply begin to take my own advice. We live by faith, not by sight.

(I need to get my bible from my aunts house! I feel so naked without it!) 

I just finished reading The Alchemist by Paulo Cohelo, and my mind is racing at lightning speed. For the first time ever in my life, I feel new. I understand why this particular book has been translated into 15 different languages. 

With everything that I’ve read, between the metaphysical books, the Abraham Hicks teachings, scriptural guides, and even the Bible itself, this book still stood to offer so much. It clicked in the missing piece, or at least what I’ve felt has been the missing piece…

I feel armed with knowledge to take over the world. I feel like I can conquer and harness it’s power at my fingertips… Today is an amazing day because for the first time in a long time, I feel more than just happy, or grateful, or excited… I actually feel ALIVE. Some of you may understand, some of you won’t, but I know what I feel, and what I feel is new. It’s unlike any feeling I’ve ever experienced.

So maybe I’ll start off by saying that ATL dude doesn’t talk to me at all… Like, not even the sporadic text message. In fact, all communication has ceased, and I only have found out xyz info via instagram or my FB timeline. Called a few times, text him a few more. Even left a voicemail. Saw he was in NY (via instagram) and he didn’t reach out. Made one last call. Sent one last text… I got the hint, and decided that I should cease and desist all communication, so I unfollowed him on instagram, and opted to not receive his updates on my timeline… However, woe is me, for indifference doesn’t come easy.

I’m hurt. I’m upset. I’m disappointed. I’m confused. I wonder what I did “wrong”… All typical emotions for a girl in my predicament. I really like him. I think he’s amazing in his own way. He’s incredibly talented, driven, ambitious, handsome, intelligent, well-spoken and well-versed. But I fell in love with the fantasy, and with the idea of him, never stopping to realize how little I really knew of him. In all honesty, our entire situation was very ambiguous and lust-ridden from the start. So I suppose that a story that began with an ambiguous introduction should have a similar end.

Ah, if I could give my cousin $100 for every time he told me NOT to fraternize with him. Lol. I am a stubborn woman… But I will say this: I don’t regret a single, solitary thing, and I am grateful for the experience, and for emotions I got to endure; positive, negative, and otherwise. Collectively, everything that happens TO me is happening FOR me, and I know that the experience of him was a very necessary contribution to the entirety of my life experience in some way or another.

However, my idealistic point of view doesn’t take away from the fact that I am still hurt, and upset, and confused. And these feelings have taken me out of my vortex. I am no longer thinking on things that are making me feel GOOD, because at this moment, the thought of him doesn’t make me happy. It’s still distressing, and because of that I realize that it’s time to get over it, get over him, and tell a new story. 

Easier said than done… Lol

My twin is an amazing man, full of incredible insight and intelligence. I am extremely grateful for him. In talking (or really complaining) to him a few weeks back, he told me quite bluntly to stop telling my story. “Fuck that story. You should be tired of it and tired of telling it. Tell a new story EVERY DAY” were his words verbatim. Subsequently, I received confirmation of this from my girlfriend C. Clear, Ernest Holmes, and Ester Hicks…

Every so often, somebody gives you a few words of advice that turn into lifetime mantras. Rell’s words definitely fit that description. For the past few weeks, I’ve found that I have successfully been able to be a deliberate creator in my reality. These past two weeks that I’ve been in New York have been complete evidence of that. I have manifested MAGIC with the combination of faith in myself and faith in God. And the reality is that no magic has really taken place… Everything that’s happened is everything that I’ve asked God for. He says “Be still and KNOW that I Am God”, and without a doubt, I have known with absolute certainty that He does what He says He will.

Where I have the issue is in the consistency of it. I’ll be on Cloud 9, and then I’ll allow for some “situation” (which I created via my recognition of it) to take me out of my vortex. Philippians 4:7 is one of my favorite scriptures, however I will admit that at times it’s difficult to “think on these things” when you’re thinking on those things (which really don’t make you feel good at all).

The key I’ve realized is to manifest a consistent reality with which you can coexist in complete happiness. This can so easily be done by TELLING A NEW STORY! Live in a fantasy world, and see life the way you want it to be, and have faith that it IS! God tells us that His mercies endureth EVERY SINGLE DAY, which means that we should have a NEW TESTIMONY EVERY SINGLE DAY! The key is to be receptive to grace CONSISTENTLY, and that is what I am working every day towards doing consistently.

=)

(Whew! Just writing this felt as if it brought me closer into alignment!)

I am literally arms length away from everything I dream becoming everything I once dreamed. I am at the hem where fantasy meets reality, and where fantasy becomes reality. I won’t lie… Sometimes I almost begin to doubt myself. I never quite get there, though, because I always remember Proverbs 18:16 and Philippians 4:7. “You’re gifts will make room for you and bring you in the presence of great men” “…Think on these things”.

This is completely true, and as time progresses, and as my faith grows stronger, I am realizing that the men and women that my gifts present me to are greater and greater in stature.

Steadfast in my pursuit, and impermeable in my faith. Faith backed by a burning desire always yeilds the desired result…

Wow. God is Incredible. =)

This digital piece of media is so much more than just a blog. These are my innermost secrets, joys, demons, mantras, and emotions. These words are my life, displayed clearly in black sans-serif text, uploaded to a server, and shared with billions. Everything that I say is pure, unadulterated honesty through my eyes. This keypad and this screen serve as my therapy. I can say things to this computer that I find nearly impossible to express verbally. I am thankful for this outlet, and I’m thankful for  the people who share it with me.

I have always felt really alone. For as long as I can remember. And I have always dealt with my problems alone. I’ve gotten used to it for the most part, but when you deal with things alone, sometimes you find it difficult to be happy. I’ve dealt with an abusive childhood alone. I dealt with foster care alone. The loss of my grandmothers, godfather, father, uncles, aunts, grandfather, cousins… All alone. I’ve dealt with betrayal from friends alone. I’ve dealt with bullying and low self esteem alone. I’ve dealt with sexual abuse from a trusted adult male figure alone. I’ve dealt with the physical, sexual and emotional abuse of a man I was engaged to alone. I’ve dealt with an abortion alone. I’ve dealt with being placed in a mental institution alone. I’ve dealt with jail alone. I’ve dealt with homelessness alone… I have quite a profound and distinguishing story to tell… Lol. Through all of my loneliness, however, I always found solace in writing and in music… 

I write these things about myself, because I realize that it’s difficult for people to accept peace without pain, and I want to be a living testament that in spite of all the bullshit, there is ALWAYS a reason to SMILE. There is always a reason to be excited. There is always a reason to rejoice and be GLAD. I am consistently told that I radiate and exude joy. I am so THANKFUL for that. I am so glad that in spite of all the bullshit that I have been through (and  currently am going through), that I find a reason to smile. 

God has ALWAYS been OMNIPRESENT in my life, even when I allowed things to get so dark that I couldn’t recognize His presence. He’s evident in the daily miracles that take place in my life everyday. He is the source of my strength. I have found complete joy simply in recognizing and appreciating the small things in life. Just being thankful… Recognizing that I’m HERE and I’m healthy, I’m happy, I’m not strung out on drugs, or compromising myself, or mindlessly insane, or evil or angry. I am HERE, and I am INTELLIGENT, and BEAUTIFUL, and TALENTED, and STRONG, and POWERFUL, and WEALTHY BEYOND MEASURE. What more could there be to be grateful for than that?!?

I say all this to say that no matter what life throws at you, realize that you ultimately make the choice whether you are going to become BITTER or BETTER. Faith, like gold, is tried by the fire. The stronger it is, the more it will be refined. Being bitter is so easy, but being better? That’s so brilliant.

Remember that YOU are AMAZING, INCREDIBLE, and DIVINE INDIVIDUALS! No two of us are alike! We are created in an ethereal, diverse image. EMBRACE YOUR BEAUTY and LEARN YOUR POWER!!! Start with the Bible. Read books like “The Science of Mind” by Ernest Holmes, “Think and Grow Rich” by Napoleon Hill, “The Game of Life and How To Play It” by Florence Scovel Shinn… There are so many resources available to help you learn your greatness! USE THEM!!! And remember that gratitude is KEY in ALL THINGS!!! =)

Dear Love,

I regret to inform you that I no longer am happy in my position with this company. I work tireless, long hours to see to it that you thrive, but I always seem to end up with the short end of the stick. This has a lot to do with my willingness to tolerate such lack of consideration, however I will tolerate it no more. I consistently see to it that I am doing above and beyond what is needed of me, yet I am subject to being benched as others get promoted.

I genuinely believe in what this company stands for, and what it represents. That’s the reason I applied for the position initially. However, I feel severely unappreciated, and I can not continue to work for this company under these circumstances. 

I pray that this letter encourages you to recognize my worth and value as an employee, and urge me to stay. And I hope that should you happen to improve this position in the future, you consider me for it instead of accepting a new applicant. I truly wish that I were receiving what I needed from my employment here, however, since I am not, I must step down from my position as a Hopeless Romantic.

Sincerely,

My Heart 

I saw Atlanta Dude on Thursday… It had been over 4 months since I’d last seen him. Wednesday, March 28, 2012. Prior to August 2, March 28th had been the last time we physically saw each other, and I genuinely missed him. I was so excited to see him, even if it were only for 5 minutes, because I’d never met anyone like him. From day one, everything between us was so serendipity. It seemed magical. The coincidences in our meeting were so great that they couldn’t have been coincidences… So I was happy.

He told me last week he’d be in New York on business. The only reason I came to New York was to see him. Anything else, and I would’ve stayed in Maryland. But I came, in spite of my circumstances because I HAD to see him. And I saw him, and I spent a few hours with him, and I left, and I cried… Nothing felt the way I thought it would. I didn’t get to say the things I wanted to say. Nothing felt the way I imagined it. I left his hotel room, and ventured off into Times Square, surrounded by a million people and a billion kilowatts of light feeling completely alone and totally empty… And I hated that I felt that way.

He’ll send me a random text here and there… “Just landed in Minnesota”, “Boarding the plane from Denver”, “Just finished playing”, and it all feels so tertiary. I feel like a burden when I ask him “Hey babe. How you doing?” “How was your show” “Have a safe flight! Call me when you land”…

He’s handsome, he’s successful, he’s intelligent, he’s talented and well-versed, and I’m me. And I’m HERE. How foolish would it be of me to think that I could be a satisfactory part of all that he has going on?

Just a thought…

Right now I feel amazing, and I am so grateful to God for the simple things. I’m grateful for limbs that are fully functional, hands and feet that have five fingers and five toes on them each, respectively. The ability to SEE, which enables me to read, write, observe the beautiful, and recognize the unsightly. The ability to HEAR, which blesses me with music, audible awareness, the power to LISTEN. The power of SPEECH, which enables me to sing, be expressive, uplift, motivate, comfort, joke, scold, chastise, and exhale. I can physical FEEL the sensations of cold, warmth, damp, dry, silk, sand… I have the power to embrace and be embraced; to kiss and be kissed; to move and be moved. I can TASTE and SMELL foods, fragrances, plants, or God-forbidden things that I care not to approach.

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I really hope I didn’t alarm anybody last night. I’m at my mothers house (her birthday was on Friday), and she has a way of getting under my skin like none other. She can be really really hurtful, and after an entire weekend of that, I just couldn’t take it anymore. Last night was my boiling point.

I do not hate my mother. I love her very very much. But I realized one thing between last night and this morning…

I LOVE MYSELF MORE.

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I’ve spent my entire life trying to gain acceptance from my mother. Trying to get her to love me, and notice me, and treat me like a human being. I’ve spent my entire life working for her approval, longing for the inside of her heart to embrace me instead of the inside of her palm. Wishing that she would use her words to soothe me instead of destroy me.

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Sometimes I wish I could be normal…

Normal family…

Normal job…

Normal relationships…

Stable life…

Nothing in my life is or ever has been “normal”, though. I’ve always had to hustle, always had to grind, always had to work and cry and sweat for everything.

But I’m tired.

I’m EXHAUSTED!

I just wanna relax…

I get it…

I’m guarded.

I have abandonment issues.

I fucking GET it…

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I’m standing on the edge of a dream. Looking back; looking down… Looking back; looking down… Backing up; inching closer. Do I jump? Is there anything that will catch me? Will I fall flat on my face and bleed out in front of the merciless? Do I back away to safety? Is there even really an edge? Of anything?

I feel trapped. I feel lost between what’s “real” and what’s perceived. I feel like I’ve blurred the lines to the point they’re unrecognizable. I feel plagued with uncertainty…

I am blessed. I won’t deny that. On one end, I know God is working on somthing major, but on what? I’m dealing with shit right now that most of you probably couldn’t even fathom. And nobody knows. And I can’t tell them. And the ones that do know haven’t cared enough to ask. This shit is mentally eating me alive right now. I’ll be so high and then so low all in the same day. Or I’ll be in a high moment, thinking about the time left before I’m back to the low. But the highs make the lows sweeter. These are the things I’ll laugh about…

There are people who see, but don’t believe. And people who believe, but don’t see. And then there are those who don’t need to see, because they already know what’s there. And I’m there, most of the time… It’s just that today? I don’t know, man… I know that God keeps you hidden until you’re ready, and I see that he’s been unveiling me, I just wish it were happening at my pace instead of His. But in due time, right?

The teacher normally leaves the room during the test…

I really just have to take the time out to give all glory and praise to God. He could do it for anyone in the world, but he does it for me. God is INCREDIBLE! I have the blood of the lamb running through my veins.

The ransom that was paid was for YOU AND I!!! And because of that ransom, the mercies He has for us endureth EVERY DAY! My cup runneth over in abundance, and there is plenty for me to share. I just have to say Thank You Jesus! Thank You Jesus! Thank You Lord!

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I’m on my way to go see a friend who’s 8 hours away, because what’s important to him is important to me, and I want to be as supportive as humanly possible. Mostly because I know how it feels to be so far out, hanging on the edge of a dream, and hoping that someone will come share in your company…

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Bam! Exactly what the heading says! “Life IS Good!” But perhaps I lied, because my life is SPECTACULAR! Lol

I apologize for not blogging in a while… I blogged on Thursday, but accidentally lost the whole entry. Lol.

Let me just say, I am so blessed with so many wonderful, loving, considerate people in my life! And there is no possible way that I could ever be upset or down about anything. They keep me up! They keep me going! And I love you guys. You know exactly who you are! #TheSquadIsDEEP! Lol

I’m MOVING! I am LEAVING BALTIMORE! I am GOING TO LONDON! And when I return, I’ll be LIVING IN LA!!! All of these wonderful, wonderful things are happening, and I am so glad, and so happy! Lol. Life is really quite good. :-)

God is AWEFULL! And I want to give Him the glory and the praise for EVERYTHING.

That is all folks!
(I’ll write some other stuff later… Lol)

I was cleaning out some files on my computer, and I stumbled upon this astrological career path reading that I’d gotten from 2009. Now, to be clear, I am a Christian woman through and though, and I understand how some people (especially Christians) feel about astrology. However, I know that all things come from the divine mind of God, and there are no wrong or evil ideas or creations in the divine mind. With that said, I believe that astrology is not a look into the future, but something that God has given us to help us understand who we are and what our purpose and directive in life should be. So in any accord,  I thought I would share it.

(Please note, it is a bit on the long side… Lol)

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